/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// /* ponder.js Code was created by C. Eton. Statement author unknown. Only 1 item need to be edited: 1. The Statements array variable. */////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// // List the statements to display. Add statements as necessary. var Statements = new Array( 'A bad random number generator--1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1 ', 'As yesterday\'s positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured. (George W. Bush) ', 'Can we win? I don\'t think you can win it. (George W. Bush, after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable) ', 'Do you have blacks, too? (George W. Bush, to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso) ', 'Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream. (George W. Bush) ', 'For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It\'s just unacceptable. And we\'re going to do something about it. (George W. Bush) ', 'I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport. (George W. Bush) ', 'I couldn\'t imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah. (George W. Bush, at a White House menorah lighting ceremony) ', 'I hear there\'s rumors on the Internets that we\'re going to have a draft. (George W. Bush) ', 'I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we\'re really talking about peace. (George W. Bush) ', 'I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family. (George W. Bush) ', 'I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. (George W. Bush) ', 'I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe --I believe what I believe is right. (George W. Bush) ', 'I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn\'t here. (George W. Bush, at the President\'s Economic Forum) ', 'I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me. (George W. Bush, talking about Iraq) ', 'I wish you\'d have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I\'m sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn\'t yet...I don\'t want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I\'m confident I have. I just haven\'t --you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I\'m not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one. -after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made. (George W. Bush) ', 'If this were a dictatorship, it\'d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I\'m the dictator. (George W. Bush) ', 'I\'m the commander --see, I don\'t need to explain --I do not need to explain why I say things. That\'s the interesting thing about being president. (George W. Bush) ', 'My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we\'re going to run out of debt to retire. (George W. Bush) ', 'Oh, no, we\'re not going to have any casualties. (George W. Bush, discussing the Iraq war) ', 'Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. (George W. Bush) ', 'Rarely is the questioned asked--Is our children learning? (George W. Bush) ', 'See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda. (George W. Bush) ', 'The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th. (George W. Bush) ', 'There\'s an old saying in Tennessee--I know it\'s in Texas, probably in Tennessee--that says, fool me once, shame on--shame on you. Fool me--you can\'t get fooled again. (George W. Bush) ', 'They misunderestimated me. (George W. Bush) ', 'This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating. (George W. Bush) ', 'This is an impressive crowd--the haves and the have mores. Some people call you the elite--I call you my base. (George W. Bush) ', 'Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren\'t able to practice their love with women all across this country. ', 'We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories ... And we\'ll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven\'t found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they\'re wrong, we found them. (George W. Bush) ', 'We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease. (George W. Bush) ', 'You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror. (George W. Bush) ', 'A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ', 'A computer is like an Old Testament god--a lot of rules and no mercy. ', 'A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. ', 'A day without sunshine is like, night. ', 'A lecture is the process by which the professor\'s notes become the student\'s notes without passing through the mind of either. ', 'A professor is one who talks in someone else\'s sleep. ', 'A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a clean desk. ', 'A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. ', 'AAAAAA--American Association Against Acronym Abuse ', 'According to my calculations the problem doesn\'t exist. ', 'According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. ', 'Adding manpower to a late project makes it later. ', 'Advanced design--Upper management doesn\'t understand it. ', 'After a certain number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. ', 'All that glitters has a high refractive index. ', 'All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. ', 'Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! ', 'An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn\'t make the money you did. ', 'Anarchy is against the law. ', 'Anthony\'s Law of Force--Don\'t force it, get a larger hammer. ', 'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. ', 'Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable. ', 'Anything is possible, unless it\'s not. ', 'APATHY ERROR--Don\'t bother striking any key. ', 'As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. ', 'As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? ', 'Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. ', 'Beware of Geeks bearing gifts. ', 'Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. ', 'Brain--The apparatus with which we think--we think. ', 'BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding! ', 'Capt\'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! ', 'Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. ', 'Cleanliness is next to impossible. ', 'Clones are people two. ', 'Cole\'s Law--Thinly sliced cabbage. ', 'Colourless green ideas sleep furiously. ', 'Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. ', 'Computers can never replace human stupidity. ', 'Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? ', 'Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains! ', 'Computer--A device designed to speed and automate errors. ', 'Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. ', 'Design simplicity--It was developed on a shoe-string budget. ', 'Design--The activity of preparing for a design review. ', 'Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He doesn\'t believe in dogs. ', 'Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. ', 'Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. ', 'Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon. ', 'Doing well today what you did well yesterday reduces the probability of doing well what you need to do tomorrow! ', 'Don\'t hit the keys so hard, it hurts. ', 'Due to a shortage of material, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. ', 'Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. ', 'Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines. ', 'Editing is a rewording activity. ', 'Encrypt--Where Egyptian kings are buried. ', 'Entropy isn\'t what it used to be. ', 'Eschew obfuscation. ', 'Ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again? ', 'Every machine will eventually fall apart. ', 'Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film. ', 'Everyone hates me because I\'m paranoid. ', 'Everything costs more than first estimated. ', 'Everything put together, falls apart, sooner or later. ', 'Everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. ', 'Everything takes longer than you think it will. ', 'Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. ', 'Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. ', 'Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. ', 'Field tested--Manufacturing doesn\'t have a test system. ', 'Finagle\'s First Law--If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. ', 'Finagle\'s Fourth Law--Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. ', 'Finagle\'s Law--The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. ', 'Foot--A device for finding furniture in the dark. ', 'For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision. ', 'For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. ', 'Friction is a drag. ', 'Fudd\'s First Law--\'If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.\' ', 'Fuzzy project goals avoid the embarrassment of estimating the costs. ', 'Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. ', 'Get a new car for your spouse. It\'ll be a great trade! ', 'Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. ', 'Good ideas don\'t just fade away. They\'re slaughtered by rampaging squads of carefully attired, analytical managers. ', 'Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. ', 'Gumperson\'s Law--The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability. ', 'Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. ', 'Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference between having an open mind and having holes in one\'s head? ', 'Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don\'t have to do it? ', 'He who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary. ', 'Hindsight is an exact science. ', 'Hofstadter\'s Recursive Law--Any project will take twice as long as you think it will even when you take into account Hofstadter\'s Recursive Law. ', 'Honk if you love peace and quiet. ', 'How do you tell when you\'re out of invisible ink? ', 'Those of you who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. ', 'How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? ', 'I couldn\'t possibly fail to disagree with you less. ', 'I couldn\'t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. ', 'I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. ', 'I feel a whole lot more like I do now than I did when I used to. ', 'I feel like I\'m diagonally parked in a parallel universe. ', 'I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ', 'I haven\'t lost my mind; it\'s backed up on tape somewhere. ', 'I just got lost in thought...... It wasn\'t familiar territory. ', 'I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong. ', 'I think, therefore I am. I think. ', 'I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. ', 'I will defend to your death your right to my opinion. ', 'I\'d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. ', 'If a tool is put away when you\'re sure it won\'t be needed again, it will. Soon. ', 'If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? ', 'If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. ', 'If at first you don\'t succeed, get new batteries. ', 'If at first you don\'t succeed, try something else. ', 'If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ', 'If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. ', 'If the facts do not conform to your theory, they must be disposed of. ', 'If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body...then only left-handed people are in their right minds. ', 'If there is a 50% chance of success, there will be a 75% chance of failure. ', 'If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one. ', 'If things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something. ', 'If we can\'t fix it--it\'s broken! ', 'If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed. ', 'If you have nothing to say, please only say it once! ', 'If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. ', 'If your feet smell and your nose runs--you\'re built upside down. ', 'In God we trust; all others require a review. ', 'Inside every big problem is a small problem trying to get out. ', 'Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened? ', 'Interchangeable parts won\'t. ', 'It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. ', 'It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. ', 'It\'s a mistake to allow any mechanical object to know you\'re in a hurry. ', 'Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying. ', 'John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. ', 'Just because you\'re paranoid doesn\'t mean they\'re NOT trying to get you. ', 'Just remember, if the world did not suck, we would all fall off. ', 'Justify my text? I\'m sorry but it has no excuse. ', 'Kiss me twice. I\'m schizophrenic. ', 'Law of Communications--The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. ', 'Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse. ', 'Life in a vacuum sucks. ', 'Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. ', 'Logic--The art of being wrong with confidence... ', 'Love is like Pi--natural, irrational, and very important. ', 'Lt. Uhura says--Subspace Communications--it\'s the next best thing to beaming there! ', 'Maintenance-free--When it breaks, it can\'t be fixed... ', 'Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them. ', 'Mate, this parrot wouldn\'t VOOM if you put four million volts through it! (Monty Python) ', 'Mathematician--A sum worshipper. ', 'Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. ', 'Microwave--Signal from a friendly micro... ', 'Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. ', 'Multitasking--Screwing up several things at once... ', 'Murphy\'s First Law of Computing--The computer will work perfectly at the repair shop. ', 'Murphy\'s First Law--Nothing is as easy as it looks. ', 'Murphy\'s Second Law--Everything takes longer than you think. ', 'Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. ', 'Never forget--2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. ', 'Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. ', 'Nihilism doesn\'t exist. ', 'No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. ', 'No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. ', 'No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. ', 'No problem is so large it can\'t be fit in somewhere. ', 'Nostalgia--The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... ', 'Nothing is ever as easy as it looks. ', 'Of all the things I\'ve lost, I miss my mind the most . . . ', 'OK, so what\'s the speed of dark? ', 'Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. ', 'On the other hand, you have different fingers. ', 'One thing the inventors can\'t seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. ', 'People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ', 'Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. ', 'Predestination was doomed from the start. ', 'Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... ', 'Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! ', 'Q--How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light-bulb? A--None--they just declare darkness the new standard. ', 'Q--What do fish play on the piano? A--Scales ', 'Quality Assurance--A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally. ', 'Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it\'s the only one we\'ve got. ', 'Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. ', 'Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. ', 'Reality is a crutch for people who can\'t handle science fiction. ', 'Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency. ', 'Recursive--adj. See Recursive ', 'Remember, half the people you know are below average. ', 'Sattinger\'s Law--It works better if you plug it in. ', 'Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ', 'Schizophrenia beats being alone. ', 'Sevareid\'s Law--The chief cause of problems is solutions. ', 'Sigmund\'s wife wore Freudian slips. ', 'Sleep--A poor substitute for caffeine. ', 'Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... ', 'Some call it laziness, I call it deep thought. ', 'Stock item--We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably. ', 'Support bacteria. They\'re the only culture some people have. ', 'The brain works from the moment of birth until you stand up to speak in public. ', 'The certain proof that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe\' is that no one has bothered to make contact with us ', 'The computer only crashes when printing a document you haven\'t saved. ', 'The DREA Law--Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases. ', 'The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ', 'The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. ', 'The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. ', 'The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. ', 'The incidence of typographical errors increases in proportion to the number of people who will see the copy. ', 'The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn\'t. ', 'The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it\'s further away. ', 'The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. ', 'The only thing funnier than how things don\'t work out, is how they do. ', 'The only thing good about \"standards\" in computer science is that there are so many to choose from. ', 'The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. ', 'The problem with any unwritten law is that you don\'t know where to go to erase it. ', 'The Queue Principle--The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. ', 'The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format. ', 'The way to a person\'s heart is through the left ventricle. ', 'There is an exception to every rule, except this one. ', 'There\'s no future in time travel. ', 'There\'s no such thing as gravity--the earth sucks. ', 'There\'s too much blood in my caffeine system. ', 'Things are more like they used to be than they are now. ', 'Those of you who think you know everything are truly annoying to those of us who do. ', 'Time is nature\'s way of keeping everything from happening all at once. ', 'To define recursion, we must first define recursion. ', 'To err is human--to blame it on a computer is even more so. ', 'To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. ', 'To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. ', 'To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa. ', 'Today\'s subliminal thought is-- ', 'Trying to establish voice contact--please yell into keyboard. ', 'Two hippies stood on the beach staring out toward the horizon. The first hippie said, \"Look at all that water, man!\" \"Yeah,\" said the second hippie. \"And that\'s just the top! ', 'UFO\'s are real. The Air Force doesn\'t exist. ', 'We spend more time working for our labour-saving machines than they do working for us. ', 'Westheimer\'s Time Estimation Rule--Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, add 3, and change the unit of measure to the next higher unit. ', 'What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ', 'When a hammer is the only tool, every problem looks like a nail. ', 'When everything is coming your way, you\'re in the wrong lane. ', 'When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. ', 'Where no man has gone before (on the wall of the women\'s restroom on the Enterprise) ', 'Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask \"Why?\". ', 'Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? ', 'Winston Churchill sat next to Lady Astor at dinner one day. She turned to him and said, \"Mr. Churchill, if I was married to you, I should put poison in your coffee\". Mr. Churchill turned to her and said, \"Madam, if I was married to you I should drink it!\" ', 'You are too narrow-minded if you can see through a keyhole with both eyes. ', 'You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think. ', 'You can\'t fool me--there is no Sanity Clause. ', 'You don\'t have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. ', 'You get what you pay for. If you want nice, clean oats, you must pay a fair price. However, if you can be satisfied with oats that have already been through the horse ... that comes a little cheaper. ', 'You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, MINE are even WORSE! ', 'You should avoid hedging. At least that\'s what I think. ', 'You should hardly ever equivocate. ', 'You will spend the rest of your life in the future. ', 'From now on we shall offer police jobs to qualified women regardless of sex. (A New Jersey town\'s affirmative action statement) ', 'Freedom of the press belongs to those that own one. (A. J. Liebling) ', 'If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? (Abraham Lincoln) ', 'It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. (Abraham Lincoln) ', 'It\'s better to be silent and thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt. (Abraham Lincoln) ', 'Tact--the ability to describe others as they see themselves. (Abraham Lincoln) ', 'Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of. (Agnes Allen) ', 'When all else fails read the instructions. (Agnes Allen) ', 'You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. (Al Capone) ', 'Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein) ', 'Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. (Albert Einstein) ', 'God does not play dice with the universe. (Albert Einstein) ', 'Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. (Albert Einstein) ', 'I want to know God\'s thoughts; the rest are details. (Albert Einstein) ', 'It is impossible to get anywhere without sinning against reason. (Albert Einstein) ', 'Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race. (Albert Einstein) ', 'Religion without science is blind. Science without religion is lame. (Albert Einstein) ', 'The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. (Albert Einstein) ', 'The only real valuable thing is intuition. (Albert Einstein) ', 'The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them. (Albert Einstein) ', 'We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. (Albert Einstein) ', 'When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it\'s longer than any hour. That\'s relativity. (Albert Einstein) ', 'Whoever undertakes to set himself up as judge in the field of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the Gods. (Albert Einstein) ', 'An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'Diplomacy--The patriotic art of lying for one\'s country. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'Education--That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody\'s pocket. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'Insurance, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'Labour, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'Lawsuit, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'Philanthropist, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'Quoting--The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'The covers of this book are too far apart. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavour upon the business known as gambling. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. (Ambrose Bierce) ', 'It is bad luck to be superstitious. (Andrew W. Mathis) ', 'Abstract Art--A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. (Andy Capp) ', 'There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a fuzzy concept. (Ansel Adams) ', 'The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence. (Art Linkletter) ', 'I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. (Ashleigh Brilliant) ', 'If we can\'t fix it--we\'ll fix it so nobody can. (B. Gibbons) ', 'A Conservative Government is an organised hypocrisy. (Benjamin Disraeli) ', 'It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. (Benjamin Disraeli) ', 'Little things affect little minds. (Benjamin Disraeli) ', 'The profound thinker always suspects that he is superficial. (Benjamin Disraeli) ', 'What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens. (Benjamin Disraeli) ', 'Blessed be he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. (Benjamin Franklin) ', 'Wise men don\'t need advice. Fools won\'t take it. (Benjamin Franklin) ', 'I like the word `indolence.\' It makes my laziness seem classy. (Bern Williams) ', 'Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do. (Bertrand Russell) ', 'Life without you would be like a broken pencil. How\'s that? Completely pointless. (Blackadder) ', 'When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile. (Bob Edwards) ', 'They were really tough--they used to tie their tomatoes on the end of a yo-yo, so they could hit you twice. (Bob Hope) ', 'It is difficult to be humble. Even if you aim at humility, there is no guarantee that when you have attained the state you will not be proud of the feat. (Bonamy Dobree) ', 'The duchess smashed a bottle of champagne against the ship, and amid the cheers of the crowd, slid on her greasy bottom into the sea. (British newspaper) ', 'Smoking kills. If you\'re killed, you\'ve lost a very important part of your life. (Brooke Shields) ', 'The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. (CalvinTrillin) ', 'All echelons of the staff will coordinate the configuration of the plans with the requisite tailoring of the overview in order to expedite the functional objective. (Capt. S. Adams USN) ', 'Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (Carl Zwanzig) ', 'I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to politicians. (Charles de Gaulle) ', 'Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him. (Charles de Gaulle) ', 'The graveyards are full of indispensible people. (Charles de Gaulle) ', 'Don\'t worry about the world coming to an end today. It\'s already tomorrow in Australia. (Charles Schultz) ', 'I have a new philosophy. I\'m only going to dread one day at a time. (Charles Schulz) ', 'In the book of life, the answers aren\'t in the back. (Charles Schulz) ', 'No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions. (Charles Steinmetz) ', 'A hasty man drinks his tea with a fork. (Chinese proverb) ', 'I distinctly remember forgetting that. (Clara Barton) ', 'If your parents didn\'t have any children, there\'s a good chance you won\'t have any. (Clarence Day) ', 'The US has a vital interest in that area of the country. (Dan Quayle, referring to Latin America.) ', 'Getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision. (Dan Quayle) ', 'Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. (Dan Quayle) ', 'I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time. (Dan Quayle) ', 'I want to be Robin to Bush\'s Batman. (Dan Quayle) ', 'I would guess that there\'s adequate low-income housing in this country. (Dan Quayle) ', 'If we do not succeed, then we face the risk of failure. (Dan Quayle) ', 'May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world. (Dan Quayle) ', 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. (Dan Quayle) ', 'The real question for 1988 is whether we\'re going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the back! (Dan Quayle) ', 'This election is about who\'s going to be the next President of the United States! (Dan Quayle) ', 'We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in \'Red Storm Rising\'. (Dan Quayle) ', 'We\'re going to have the best-educated American people in the world. (Dan Quayle) ', 'What a terrible thing to have lost one\'s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is. (Dan Quayle) ', 'As we anarchists say--\'There\'s no government like no government.\' (D\'Arcy J. M. Cain) ', 'Moonshiner--One who conducts his business in distil of the night. (Dave Krieger) ', 'Don\'t be afraid to take a big step. You can\'t cross a chasm in two small jumps. (David Lloyd George) ', 'When everybody thinks alike--nobody thinks much. (Dee Dickinson) ', 'A list is only as strong as its weakest link. (Don Knuth) ', 'Riot Squad--A group that tells really funny stories (Don Lewis) ', 'I don\'t care what is written about me so long as it isn\'t true. (Dorothy Parker) ', 'Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. (Doug Larson) ', 'Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. (Doug Larson) ', 'An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows. (Dwight D. Eisenhower) ', 'Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you\'re a thousand miles from the cornfield. (Dwight D. Eisenhower) ', 'Don\'t confuse me with the facts. I\'ve got a closed mind. (Earl Landgrebe) ', 'I have a great diet. You\'re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. (Ed Bluestone) ', 'He hasn\'t an enemy in the world but all his friends hate him. (Eddie Cantor) ', 'The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. (Edsger W. Dijkstra) ', 'Quotation--Something that somebody said that seemed to make sense at the time. (Egon J. Beaudoin) ', 'A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in a hour. (Elbert Hubbard) ', 'Heaven--The Coney Island of the Christian imagination. (Elbert Hubbard) ', 'If you don\'t advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies. (Elbert Hubbard) ', 'Wise man--One who sees the storm coming before the clouds appear. (Elbert Hubbard) ', 'No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Eleanor Roosevelt) ', 'Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn\'t. (Erica Jong) ', 'You couldn\'t get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth. (Erma Cohen) ', 'My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. (Errol Flynn) ', 'Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. (Fletcher Knebel) ', 'Eloquence--Saying the proper thing and stopping. (Francois de la Rochefoucauld) ', 'Old men are fond of giving advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. (Francois de la Rouchefoucald) ', 'Every time you come up with a terrific idea, you find that someone else thought of it first. (Frank Harden) ', 'When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. (Franklin Delano Roosevelt) ', 'Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they\'re going to catch you in next. (Franklin P. Jones) ', 'Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again. (Franklin P. Jones) ', 'The trouble with being punctual is that nobody\'s there to appreciate it. (Franklin P. Jones) ', 'Advertising agency--eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission. (Fred Allen) ', 'California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange. (Fred Allen) ', 'Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you\'ve got to start young. (Fred Astaire) ', 'Do you know what a pessimist is? A man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. (George Bernard Shaw) ', 'I never thought much of the courage of a lion-tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people. (George Bernard Shaw) ', 'What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one? (George Bernard Shaw) ', 'He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don\'t let that fool you. He really is an idiot. (Groucho Marx) ', 'I have everything I had twenty years ago--except that it is now all lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee) ', 'My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. (Harry Emerson Fosdick) ', 'If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long? (Hebrew proverb) ', 'He who laughs last thinks slowest! (Hedda Hopper) ', 'Alimony--The ransom the happy pay to the devil. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Archbishop--A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Church--A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to people who will never get there. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Clergyman--A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Conscience--The inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Creator--A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Demagogue--One who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Democracy--The worship of jackals by jackasses. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Fine--A bribe paid by a rich man to escape the lawful penalty of his crime. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Historian--An unsuccessful novelist. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Husband--A No. 16 neck in a No. 15 1/2 collar. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'It is impossible to think of a man of any actual force and originality . . . who spent his whole life appraising and describing the work of other men. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Remorse--Regret that one waited so long to do it. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'The easiest job I have ever tackled in this world is that of making money. It is, in fact, almost as easy as losing it. Almost, but not quite. (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students (Henry Louis Mencken) ', 'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henry Youngman) ', 'Always be sincere, even when you don\'t mean it. (Irene Peter) ', 'Philosophy! Empty thinking by ignorant conceited men who think they can digest without eating! (Iris Murdoch) ', 'Kwitchyerbellyakin (Irish saying) ', 'Our knowledge is a little island in a great ocean of non-knowledge. (Isaac Bashevis Singer) ', 'We must believe in free will. We have no choice. (Isaac Bashevis Singer) ', 'The cow is a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. (J. McNulty) ', 'I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death. (Jack Handey) ', 'I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I\'ll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me. (Jack Handey) ', 'It\'s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. (Jack Handey) ', 'It isn\'t easy being a fat narcissist. (Jackie Gleason) ', 'The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you\'re off it. (Jackie Gleason) ', 'I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. (Jackie Mason) ', 'When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. (James Boren) ', 'I am not young enough to know everything. (James Matthew Barrie) ', 'A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top. (James Reston) ', 'Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it. (James Russell Lowell) ', 'The reverse side also has a reverse side. (Japanese Proverb) ', 'Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. (Jennifer Unlimited) ', 'There are two major products that come out of Berkeley--LSD and UNIX. We don\'t believe this to be a coincidence. (Jeremy S. Anderson) ', 'If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people. (Jim Eason) ', 'Those who tell you it\'s tough at the top have never been at the bottom. (Joe Harvey) ', 'I don\'t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. (Joe Louis) ', 'An Irish bull is always pregnant. (John Pentland Mahaffey) ', 'A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. (Johnson) ', 'Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. (Jonathan Swift) ', 'Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. (Joseph Campbell) ', 'Rise above principal and do what\'s right. (Joseph Heller) ', 'Why, that\'s the most unheard-of thing I\'ve ever heard of. (Joseph McCarthy) ', 'Live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so. (Josh Billings) ', 'Time is money, and many people pay their debts with it. (Josh Billings) ', 'Waiter, there\'s no fly in my soup! (Kermit the Frog) ', 'If I had it all to do over again, I\'d spell creat with an \"e\". (Kernighan) ', 'I married beneath me. All women do. (Lady Nancy Astor) ', 'Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address. (Lane Olinghouse) ', 'Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. (Laurence J. Peter) ', 'Visionary is a self-fulfilling prophet. Don\'t predict the future. Create it. (Leland Kaiser) ', 'Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. (Leonard Brandwein) ', 'I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it\'s much too confining. (Lily Tomlin) ', 'Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin) ', 'I love making friends...it\'s people I can\'t stand! (Linus) ', 'Advertising is to art what the banjo is to an orchestra. (M. Mull) ', 'If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you\'ve never tried before. (Mae West) ', 'They tell you that you\'ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don\'t tell you is that you won\'t miss it very much. (Malcolm Cowley) ', 'The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. (Mark Russell) ', 'A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. (Mark Twain) ', 'A man with a new idea is a crank until he succeeds. (Mark Twain) ', 'All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. (Mark Twain) ', 'Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. (Mark Twain) ', 'By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man\'s, I mean. (Mark Twain) ', 'Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessaries. (Mark Twain) ', 'Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees (Mark Twain) ', 'Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. (Mark Twain) ', 'Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. (Mark Twain) ', 'I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. (Mark Twain) ', 'In a museum in Havana there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus--one when he was a boy and one when he was a man. (Mark Twain) ', 'It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. (Mark Twain) ', 'Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. (Mark Twain) ', 'Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. (Mark Twain) ', 'Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. (Mark Twain) ', 'Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. (Mark Twain) ', 'Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid. (Mark Twain) ', 'One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. (Mark Twain) ', 'The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. (Mark Twain) ', 'The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot. (Mark Twain) ', 'The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes. (Mark Twain) ', 'The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. (Mark Twain) ', 'There are two times in a man\'s life when he should not speculate--when he can\'t afford it, and when he can. (Mark Twain) ', 'There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home. (Mark Twain) ', 'Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economise it. (Mark Twain) ', 'Wagner\'s music is better than it sounds. (Mark Twain) ', 'When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished a how much he had learned in seven years. (Mark Twain) ', 'When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. (Mark Twain) ', 'Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. (Mark Twain) ', 'After all is said and done, more will have been said than done. (Marshall McLuhan) ', 'Nothing pains some people more than having to think. (Martin Luther King) ', 'Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson) ', 'RICHARD--What\'s your sign? VlCTORIA--I\'m sorry--it\'s unlisted. (Mel Brooks) ', 'Never criticise Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy. (Miles Kington) ', 'I don\'t date women my age. There aren\'t any. (Milton Berle) ', 'Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government program. (Milton Friedman) ', 'But I don\'t like Spam!!!! (Monty Python) ', 'Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. (Monty Python) ', 'Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! (Monty Python) ', 'Villager--She turned me into a newt. (Looks at himself for some time) I got better. (Monty Python) ', 'We are the knights who say, \'NIE!\' (Monty Python) ', 'The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. (Muhammad Ali) ', 'If you go and mow the lawn barefoot and cut your feet off, don\'t come running to me. (Mum) ', 'In politics an absurdity is not a handicap. (Napoleon Bonaparte) ', 'You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. (Neils Bohr to Albert Einstein) ', 'Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be regarded as real. (Niels Bohr) ', 'When skinning your customers, you should leave some skin on to grow so that you can skin them again. (Nikolai Krushchev) ', 'When two trains are approaching each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a full stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone. (Notice in a railway engineer\'s office in Kansas) ', 'Progress might have been all right once, but it\'s gone on too long. (Ogden Nash) ', 'Too clever is dumb. (Ogden Nash) ', 'Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. (Oscar Levant) ', 'Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. (Oscar Levant) ', 'A cynic is a person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Arguments are to be avoided--they are always vulgar and often convincing. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Bore--a man who is never unintentionally rude. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Comfort is the only thing our civilization can give us. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Divorces are made in heaven. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Experience is one thing you can\'t get for nothing. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'He know the precise psychological moment when to say nothing. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'I can resist everything except temptation. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unreasonable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'I don\'t like principles. I prefer prejudices. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'I have nothing to declare but my genius. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearances. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Man is least himself when he is in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people\'s. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Nothing is so aggravating as calmness. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'She is a peacock in everything but beauty. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'The old believe everything--the middle aged suspect everything--the young know everything. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'The only beautiful things are the things that do not concern us. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'There is no such thing as a convincing argument, although every man thinks he has one. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Thirty-five is a very attractive age, London society is full of people of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'Work is the curse of the drinking classes. (Oscar Wilde) ', 'On a clear disk you can seek forever. (P. Denning) ', 'Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. (Pablo Picasso) ', 'If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we\'d be too simple to understand it. (Pat Bahn) ', 'The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it\'s unfamiliar territory. (Paul Fix) ', 'In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. (Paul Harvey) ', 'Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. (Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949) ', 'It\'s redundant! It\'s redundant! (R. E. Dundant) ', 'All generalisations are bad. (R. H. Grenier) ', 'The Einstein theory is relatively simple. (R. Williams) ', 'Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) ', 'We learn geology the morning after the earthquake. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) ', 'There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up. (Rex Stout) ', 'The politician is someone who deals in man\'s problems of adjustment. To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. (Richard Buckminster Fuller) ', 'US out of North America, NOW!! (Richard O\'Rourke) ', 'Agree or disagree with the following statement--There are two kinds of people in this world--Those that separate people into two groups, and those that don\'t. (Robert Benchley) ', 'A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. (Robert Frost) ', 'A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. (Robert Frost) ', 'In three words, I can sum up everything I\'ve learned about life...It goes on. (Robert Frost) ', 'The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn\'t stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost) ', 'The world is full of willing people--Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. (Robert Frost) ', 'Health food may be good for the conscience, but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better. (Robert Redford) ', 'How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? (Rod Schmidt) ', 'I brought a mirror to Lovers\' Lane. I told everybody I\'m Narcissus. (Rod Schmidt) ', 'I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. (Rod Schmidt) ', 'I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. (Rod Schmidt) ', 'I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. (Rod Schmidt) ', 'Smoking cures weight problems... eventually... (Rod Schmidt) ', 'The sky already fell. Now what? (Rod Schmidt) ', 'It\'s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I\'m afraid to go to the bathroom. (Rodney Dangerfield) ', 'Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. (Rose Franken) ', 'There\'s nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn\'t cure. (Ross MacDonald) ', 'We constantly seem to be attempting to use yesterday\'s organisation to get us to tomorrow, which won\'t even be there when we arrive. (S. Davis) ', 'A verbal contract isn\'t worth the paper it\'s written on. (Samuel Goldwyn) ', 'Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. (Samuel Goldwyn) ', 'If Roosevelt were alive he\'d turn in his grave (Samuel Goldwyn) ', 'In two words--Im-possible. (Samuel Goldwyn) ', 'It\'s more than magnificent-it\'s mediocre. (Samuel Goldwyn) ', 'Too caustic? To hell with the cost; we\'ll make the picture anyway. (Samuel Goldwyn) ', 'What we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax. (Samuel Goldwyn) ', 'You ought to take the bull between the teeth. (Samuel Goldwyn) ', 'The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning. (Sandy Cooley) ', 'She was what we used to call a suicide blonde--dyed by her own hand. (Saul Bellow) ', 'What makes information a powerful tool is that others don\'t have it. (Scott Manuel) ', 'Money can\'t buy you friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. (Spike Milligan) ', 'Suddenly, nothing happened--but it happened suddenly. (Spike Milligan) ', 'Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money out of it. (Stephen Leacock) ', 'Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. (Steven Wright) ', 'Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don\'t get it... (Steven Wright) ', 'How come wrong numbers are never busy? (Steven Wright) ', 'I couldn\'t find the remote control to the remote control. (Steven Wright) ', 'I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! (Steven Wright) ', 'I invented the cordless extension cord. (Steven Wright) ', 'I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. (Steven Wright) ', 'I met this wonderful girl at Macy\'s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. (Steven Wright) ', 'I went to a general store. They wouldn\'t let me buy anything specifically. (Steven Wright) ', 'In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. (Steven Wright) ', 'One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbours thought there was lightning in my house. (Steven Wright) ', 'There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. (Steven Wright) ', 'There\'s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. (Steven Wright) ', 'There\'s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. (Steven Wright) ', 'Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? (Steven Wright) ', 'It is always darkest before it goes totally black. (Sting) ', 'The habit most worth cultivating is that of thinking clearly even though inspired. (T. H. Uzzel) ', 'A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. (Tennessee Williams) ', 'History--A distillation of rumour. (Thomas Carlyle) ', 'All things are difficult before they are easy. (Thomas Fuller) ', 'Many would be cowards if they had courage enough. (Thomas Fuller) ', 'A great many open minds should be closed for repairs. (Toledo Blade Newspaper) ', 'Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it\'s so incredible, it\'s unbelievable. (Tom Landry) ', 'NASA awards Acronym Generation System (AGS) contract for Space Station Freedom (Tom Neff) ', 'There\'s nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can\'t exaggerate. (Toronto Star Newspaper) ', 'And God created the organisation and gave it dominion over man. Genesis 1, 30A, subparagraph (viii) (Robert Townsend) ', 'Moral indignation is, in most cases, 2% moral, 48% indignation, and 50% envy. (Vittorio de Sica) ', 'A witty saying proves nothing. (Voltaire) ', 'Any man who hates dogs and children can\'t be all bad. (W. C. Fields) ', 'Anything worth having is worth cheating for. (W. C. Fields) ', 'I never vote for anyone; I always vote against. (W. C. Fields) ', 'If at first you don\'t succeed, try again. then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. (W. C. Fields) ', 'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. (W. C. Fields) ', 'The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. (W. C. Fields) ', 'The Maintainer\'s Motto--If we can\'t fix it, it ain\'t broke. (Walt Weir) ', 'I thought I had mono once for an entire year. Turned out I was just really bored. (Wayne\'s World) ', 'Even if you\'re on the right track, you\'ll get run over if you just sit there. (Will Rogers) ', 'Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. (Will Rogers) ', 'Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge. (Will Rogers) ', 'I don\'t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. (Will Rogers) ', 'If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can\'t it get us out? (Will Rogers) ', 'Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. (Will Rogers) ', 'There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. (Will Rogers) ', 'When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad things you did do--that\'s Memoirs. (Will Rogers) ', 'You have to have a serious streak in you, or you can\'t see the funny side of the other fellow. (Will Rogers) ', 'The first thing we do, let\'s kill all the lawyers. (William Shakespeare) ', 'The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes. (William Shakespeare) ', 'Only a mediocre man is always at his best. (William Somerset Maugham) ', 'A fellow who is always declaring he\'s no fool usually has his suspicions. (Wilson Mizner) ', 'A fanatic is one who can\'t change his mind and won\'t change the subject. (Winston Churchill) ', 'Americans always try to do the right thing--after they\'ve tried everything else. (Winston Churchill) ', 'An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. (Winston Churchill) ', 'Eating words has never given me indigestion. (Winston Churchill) ', 'Ending a sentence with a preposition? That is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which I will not put. (Winston Churchill) ', 'Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. (Winston Churchill) ', 'History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. (Winston Churchill) ', 'Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. (Winston Churchill) ', 'Odd things animals. All dogs look up to you. All cats look down on you. Only a pig looks at you as an equal. (Winston Churchill) ', 'Personally, I\'m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught. (Winston Churchill) ', 'The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. (Winston Churchill) ', 'There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. (Winston Churchill) ', 'Golf--A game in which one endeavours to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. (Woodrow Wilson) ', 'If you want to make enemies, try to change something. (Woodrow Wilson) ', 'I don\'t mind dying . . . I just don\'t want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen) ', 'I don\'t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying. (Woody Allen) ', 'Sex--The most fun you can have without laughing. (Woody Allen) ', 'The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. (Woody Allen) ', 'When you come to a fork in the road, take it. (Yogi Berra) ', 'You can observe a lot just by watching. (Yogi Berra) ', 'I\'m a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house. (Zsa Zsa Gabor) ', 'Never trust a stockbroker who\'s married to a travel agent? ', '75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home. So move away from home. ', 'A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. ', 'A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago. ', 'You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. (George W. Bush) ' ); /* GetStatement( ) is the primary function. It assumes the following: 1. The HTML file contains a form named "statementform". 2. Within the statement form, there is a textarea or textbox named "statement". */ function GetStatement(outputtype) //modified by javascriptkit.com to either write out result or set innerHTML prop { if(++Number > Statements.length - 1) Number = 0; if (outputtype==0) document.write(Statements[Number]) else if (document.getElementById) document.getElementById("ponder").innerHTML=Statements[Number]; } // The GetRandomNumber( ) function extracts a random number within a given range. function GetRandomNumber(lbound, ubound) { return (Math.floor(Math.random() * (ubound - lbound)) + lbound); } // The Number variable keeps track of which statement to display. It will start at a random point. var Number = GetRandomNumber(0, Statements.length - 1);